


The Repo Man

by Gunderpants



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Book 3: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-03
Updated: 2014-10-03
Packaged: 2018-02-19 17:25:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2396633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gunderpants/pseuds/Gunderpants
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus Lupin's exit from Hogwarts is momentarily held up as he gets dragged into moonlighting as a repo man for Luna Lovegood.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Repo Man

**Author's Note:**

> Written in 2006 as a gift fic.

Remus Lupin tried to time his exit from Hogwarts to avoid running into any students or newly ex-colleagues. He felt his face flushing down the length of the corridor, but he wanted to think that he was leaving with, at the very least, his dignity, and at the last minute he decided against that visit he was going to pay Severus Snape to thank him for his unexpected time off work.

It was a long walk from his office to the gates, and he was unusually grateful for owning so few possessions. He stepped quickly, hoping to not get pulled up in the corridor by a curious child questioning him as to why he was carrying a suitcase and an empty fish tank. But the students were taking advantage of the lovely weather outside, and his departure was mercifully swift.

He tried not to pay much attention to his surroundings as he strode quickly through the Great Hall: his robes fluttered against the Gryffindor table, and he wished very much that he could set down his possessions and return to his room. There was nothing for him outside, aside from a distant friend in hiding and a former friend hiding from him: no promise of employment, or short-term accommodation, or a single person to go back to. There would be nothing to look forward to or avoid but long years of ennui and hoping that the Ministry wouldn't clamp down even more on him in the future. His pace quickened as he breezed through the Great Hall, and headed determinedly towards the gates.

So determinedly, in fact, that he barely noticed the little slip of a girl sticking up notices on the walls of the entrance hall. Then he found himself crashing to the ground, and a few seconds later he could hear the sickening sounds of his fish-tank crashing on the stone floor.

"Ow," came a dreamy, but nevertheless injured voice from beneath him.

He pulled himself up quickly, and stared at the ruins of his aquarium. It was in a million little pieces, and he could almost hear the constant smashing of the glass. He laughed, hollowly and bitterly. "Oh, this is just excellent."

_"Reparo."_ The little girl he'd fallen over flicked her wand, and before his eyes the tiny little shards pulled themselves into solid panes of glass. "You ought be careful when you carry heavy things," she said solemnly. 

"Right. Of course. I'm sorry I tripped over you."

"That's all right. People say I get underfoot a little bit sometimes." She brushed off the front of her robes as if he'd merely dropped crumbs onto her. It was the little Ravenclaw girl in his second years class who often interrupted lessons with what she felt were important amendments to the curriculum. Most of these amendments resulted in half the lesson being devoted to impassioned argument arising from her fellow students, and on more than one occasion he'd left the room briefly to hide his most-unprofessional laughter from his class.

"No, Luna, it's not your fault at all. Thank you for mending my fish-tank."

"Where are you going, Sir?"

_Bother_. She asked. "I've resigned."

"Oh. That's no good, I thought you were a very good teacher."

"Yes, well." He reached down for his suitcase, and struggled to straighten his robes. "That wasn't the problem at hand." 

"I've heard them say that you're a werewolf. I don't believe them."

"I'm sorry to say the rumours are true," he said gently. "I'm leaving because I don't wish to harm any student, because the other night I--"

"No, I don't believe that you're a werewolf, because that's one of the most common misdiagnoses for mangocanismosis."

Remus stared at her, his brain feebly trying to come up with a response. "Um... no, I really think I am a werewolf."

"Oh. Well, next full moon, check to make sure. It doesn't hurt."

"I will. Thanks for the advice."

"You wouldn't have seen anyone with my Flimpywig, would you?"

"Your... I'm sorry, _what?"_

"No, I didn't think you would be able to see it. I would like to get all my things together before I go home."

Remus bent down to pick up some of the notices that had been dropped when he knocked Luna over, and he distractedly scanned it. "Do you have permission to be putting these up all over the place?"

"Professor Flitwick suggested that I put them up, and that I might get my things back more quickly."

"Your things..." He paused, and let his eyes linger over the words. "Luna... have people been taking your things?"

"It's just a joke. They said it was when they gave my things back last year."

Remus frowned. His lesser instincts were telling him that it wasn't his problem anymore: his employment had ceased, as of three hours ago, and he had no obligation to stay. This was being countered with the very large and active part of his brain devoted to a healthy guilt complex at the slightest provocation. His conscience battled with itself: the gates were no more than four yards away, and he would be able to rid himself of the temptation of the beckoning halls and memory-steeped grounds.

In the end, conscience won out. "Well, let's see what we can do about this, shall we?"

***

Remus had never entered the Ravenclaw common room before, and was almost surprised at how dull it was. Instead of the majestic scholarly hall he'd imagined it to be, it was a shabby room lined with counters, and at least a hundred kettles dotting the countertops. Piles of books sat on the floor beside beaten-up lounge chairs and armchairs, and even though exams had finished some students were slumped asleep in them.

"That's one of them," Luna whispered, tugging Remus' robes and pointing at a surly looking older girl reading in an armchair by the window. Her robes strained across her chest, and her plain face was strained in concentration. "She took all my jewellery."

"Right." He'd never remonstrated a student for thievery before: in fact, aside from Harry he'd never really remonstrated _anyone_ , which went some way in explaining his impending unemployment. But there would be a first time for everything, so he cleared his throat in what he hoped was a very respect-commanding, masculine way, and strode over to the armchair.

"Excuse me, Miss... Turnbull, is it?"

The girl barely looked up from her book. "What?" she grunted.

"I believe you've taken some of young Miss Lovegood's belongings. In particular, some jewellery. I don't want to get you into trouble, or for this to have any effect on--"

"Yeah, whatever," she said, closing her book and looking up at him derisively. "You're not a teacher here anymore, remember? You quit this morning. You can't make me do nothing."

"I can't make you do _anything,_ actually. Honestly, you'd think they'd teach you about double negatives in Ravenclaw--" He stopped himself: his mood had been terrible for the past twenty-four hours, not helped by a rather rough transformation, but taking his ire out on a student was beyond reproach.

_But she's no longer a student of mine_ , he thought to himself. The girl was now frowning and shifting uncomfortably in her chair. He felt guilty for mocking her, but at this point he really didn't care. "Now, I suggest you show Miss Lovegood where her things are or I'll let Professor Dumbledore know that you've stolen other people's property. And I might not be on staff anymore, but he is inclined to heed my advice closely."

She sighed, and heaved herself out of her armchair noisily. "All that manky bottle-cap rubbish? I chucked it out." She led Remus over to a waste bin, and pointed down.

If Remus didn't know Luna better from teaching her for a year, he would have bypassed the twine and bottle tops that constituted jewellery for her. He reached in, fearing cockroaches, gum and other miscellaneous detritus, and pulled the necklace out gingerly. "I hope it's not too badly damaged," he said, turning his nose up at a smell that the twine had absorbed.

"It's all right. I can replace some of the caps if I need to."

"Can I go now?" said the girl sullenly from behind him. She was staring at him slackly with her eyebrow raised, as if lazily challenging his authority and manliness. He considered, for a minute, informing her of some of the less savoury jobs that Ravenclaw girls had found themselves in over the years, and the likelihood of her future career involving a desolate stint in the public service, but his lingering dignity and manners withheld this, thankfully.

"Yes, you may go now."

She slouched off, and he turned to Luna to find her slipping the necklace over her head. "That feels better to get this back. Thanks very much."

"Er... don't you think you should wash that first?"

She looked up at him, either oblivious to the smell or relishing in it. "This is how perfumes work, Professor. They develop as you wear them over the day."

Remus thought that there was a difference between perfume and putrescence, but he kindly withheld this also. "Well, where to next?"

***

The next three hours proved to be most excellent job training in the art of being a repossession man. It turned out he had a most appropriate approach to returning Luna's possessions with a minimum of violence: the surest way was to approach with respect, then with guilt, and then with either blackmail, bribery or flattery. After a while he almost toyed with the idea of timing his jobs to see if he could improve: he might have no future with legitimate employment, but Remus was begrudgingly becoming used to the idea of entering the employ of Fletcher and Fletcher enterprises in the slightly less-legitimate business world.

"This is a lot quicker than last year. I didn't get some of that stuff back until the beginning of this year." Her pace was quick, and her long legs easily kept astride with his walking.

"Oh yes?"

"Actually, I don't even think I got a few things back at all. They were things I really wanted back as well."

Remus stopped in the corridor, the box of repossessed goods heavy in his arms. "Luna, why don't you stand up to these people? Or talk to a teacher?"

"Oh, I just always thought people would give them back. I don't see why they'd keep things from me otherwise."

"It's because people can be lousy, and get resentful of people having things that they want themselves. Or they think it's funny to take things that mean a lot to you. Or they don't care, and they're lazy and greedy." 

She looked up at him, frowning. "You're very angry about this, sir."

"It's a lot of things. People might make fun of your belongings and what you place value on, but the point is that these things are valuable to you, even if they're not to other people."

"It's not worth getting worked up over. They're just things."

He smiled a little, adjusting the box in his arms with a clumsy lift of the knee to prop it up. "It's really the principle of the matter. From now on, you should stand up to these people, otherwise they think they're going to be allowed to walk all over you."

"Do you stand up to people when they bully you, sir?"

It was a most inopportune time for the box to slip from his sweaty hands and directly onto his foot. He almost swore loudly as the heavy corner of the box hit his toe, but caught himself before he let off profanity in front of a former student. "That's not really the point at hand now, is it?" he said, through gritted teeth.

"Did someone make you resign for thinking you're a werewolf? I mean, apart from the fact that they _clearly_ don't know all the facts and other things you might--"

"Luna, I'd really prefer not to get into this conversation."

"I think you should tell them to mind their own business in the future, sir, and not spread private things about you."

"I'll take that advice into consideration," he said as he heaved the box into his grip again. "What do we need to get now?"

"Actually, I just have one more thing to get. Except..." She hesitated, and for the first time since he knew her, he saw a flash of uncertainty and fear in her eyes.

"Except?"

"It's someone from Slytherin who took it."

"Right." He allowed himself to swear in his internal monologue. Several times, with copious references to lewd acts upon livestock and household pets.

"I told Professor Snape one day and he told me that I shouldn't annoy people if I didn't want them to pick on me."

He could barely control himself. "Ha! Professor Snape told you that?" 

"Why is that so funny, sir?"

Remus was already halfway down the hall at that point, his pace brisk, as he turned back to look at Luna. "Well, we'd best not be dallying, then. Professor Snape is a very busy man."

***

Severus Snape didn't answer his office door until the seventh knock - at which point, upon opening the door to see two of his least-favourite people standing outside, he attempted to close said door once more.

"Just a minute, please, Severus. A small favour."

"Get on with it, Lupin - I thought you had to be out of the school by sundown."

"Actually, there is no limit on when I have to be out by," Remus said, forcing a great deal of false bravery into his voice. "I believe Miss Lovegood has a problem that you will need to resolve for her."

Snape rolled his eyes, but Luna Lovegood apparently didn't notice this. "Excuse me, sir, I was wondering if you'd perhaps be able to help me get some things back from--"

"As I have told you before, Miss Lovegood, if you have no proof of this alleged theft I am not going to waste my precious time chasing up figments of your vivid imagination."

Remus shoved his hands into the pockets of his robes, pissiness and anger growing in him. "Actually, Severus, that's not what you told her before. Would you like me to tell you what she said you said to her?"

"I hardly see that as being relevant--"

"You told her that if she wasn't so... what was the word, Luna?"

"Weird?"

"Was that it?"

"It might have been. It might have been 'freakish' as well. I think it was 'annoying', come to think of it." She ruminated slowly, and then nodded decisively. "Yes, that's the one."

"You told her that if she wasn't so annoying then people wouldn't pick on her. Now, I don't think that's a particularly compassionate or professional response to give someone in your care, do you?" Remus took a step closer to Snape, his head held high and a bland expression forced upon his face to hide his annoyance. "Especially given your circumstances, I would say."

Remus thought Snape would hex him into oblivion, and he steeled himself against a retaliation. Surprisingly, though, Snape was nodding - though his face was bright red, and his expression was stormy, it was a beginning at the least. "Who took your things, Miss Lovegood?"

"Draco Malfoy, sir. Eric Chang said that he gave one of my photographs to Malfoy after he said I jinxed him one day. But I didn't actually jinx him, I just saw him eat this bit of meat at dinner that was a bit green."

Snape pushed past them both impatiently. "Come on, then."

The walk to the dorm rooms was remarkably quick - given that Snape seemed to prefer similar lodgings himself - but the short walk seemed to drag on under the weight of the silence between Remus and Snape. He thought that he'd possibly offended Snape more than he'd meant to - but surprisingly he felt remarkably little sympathy or remorse for the comments. Luna was floating after Snape, seemingly oblivious to the tension between the two men. 

"Stay back," Snape hissed as he leaned in close to the door. He whispered something conspiratorially to the door, and it swung open for him. "Go on," he snapped, ushering in Remus and Luna. "Hurry up with this, Dumbledore asked to meet with me earlier. Draco!"

It didn't take long to find Draco Malfoy acting in a fashion which Remus had grown accustomed to: idle destructiveness by ripping up an edge of carpet at the back of the common room. "Draco," Remus started, steadying his voice, "I believe that you've got some of Luna's things."

Draco didn't even look up, which was insolent even for him. "Whatever, I didn't nick nothing of whatever she reckons I took."

"She said you have her photographs, and have had them since last year."

"Oh, those manky old things," he said, finally turning to look at Remus with his characteristic smirk. "Yeah, I binned 'em, ages ago. Not like I was going to get much use out of a couple of scrappy bits of paper."

Remus stared at him as he balled his hands into fists and put them behind his back. "Why did you do that, Draco?"

"It's none of your business. A couple of photos of some old bat isn't really worth caring about."

"What?" Remus shoved his hands into his pockets in order to avoid hexing the little shit. "That is absolutely pathetic. I can't... Good god."

"Quiet, now, Lupin, I won't have you bullying my students," Snape said in ringing tones.

Remus Lupin considered a number of options. He considered telling Severus Snape that he was the worst teacher - nay, human being - to set foot in Hogwarts since Voldemort was Tom Riddle. He considered reminding Snape that he was the last person to point fingers about bullying students. He considered a shallow ditch and going on the lam with Sirius after they found the body. But instead, he bit his upper lip, took Luna by the hand and walked out of the Slytherin common room.

"You're lucky you have this job here, Severus, you'd have luck as good as mine getting anything else."

***

"Are you sure you will be all right, sir?"

Remus groaned under the weight of his suitcase, and hoisted the fish-tank under his other arm. "The bus shouldn't be too long, Luna. You'd best be back up to the school before it gets too much darker, though."

Luna shrugged, and wisps of blond hair caught on her robes in the wind. "Oh, it should be safe, sir. Thank you for helping me get my things back."

"Yes, well, I'm sorry that I couldn't have been more help. If I'd known--"

"I don't think it would have mattered if you did. People are going to take my things next year. And the year after that. As you said before."

Remus stuck his right arm out, and was almost instantly knocked back by the giant purple bus that appeared out of nowhere with a loud cracking sound. "I'm sorry about your pictures," he said quietly, as he fished in his robes for a handful of coins for the surly young conductor.

"It's all right. My dad should have some more pictures of her at home. Sorry about your job."

"It's all right," he said, with one foot on the step of the bus and his fingers crossed behind his back, "I'm sure I'll be able to find another one soon."

***


End file.
